In Defense of the Mittens
If ever I’m scolded for wearing my faded khaki cargo pants in public, I sometimes tell folks that I’m really a high-paid Social Media Influencer setting a new fashion direction. It is a handy little comeback when I find myself in a dress-code crisis. Lately I’m thinking it’s one I need to share with Bernie Sanders as he takes questions about his homemade, now-famous, Inauguration Day mittens this past month.
In truth, doing damage control for our colorful Vermont politicians there in the Capital is really nothing new for Vermonters. When the in-laws called from Michigan wanting to know why Senator Jim Jeffords left the Republican Party back in 2001 we had a little explaining to do. And when Governor Howard Dean launched into his famously rowdy primordial scream on the campaign trail in 2004, out-of-state relatives understandably wanted to know just what sort of politics we practiced there in Vermont. (I am already drafting explanations for our sometimes slurry-speeched Senator Leahy as he takes up the Impeachment gavel this month.)
But explaining the mittens. I must admit this is a tough one. When relatives called and wanted to know if “all Vermonters wear over-sized oven mitts in the winter”, I chose my words carefully. (“How do you know he didn’t have some kind of roast in the oven?!”) To those fashion-conscious nieces of mine in Michigan I will be quick to play up that almost rapper-like pose he cut there at the capitol — arms crossed with plenty of attitude. (“The man sells T-shirts like you wouldn’t believe!”) And to family calling in from Washington State I think I will frame the big mittens as a kind of typical Vermont Covid safety wear. (“It’s the latest in hand-shake deterrence –very effective!”)
More recently, however, I was reminded of that old adage that the best defense is a strong offense and I am planning a more aggressive strategy for Bernie: from now on I’m straight-face-insisting that we seriously consider Bernie’s mittens for induction into the Smithsonian. (If Michael Jackson’s glove can command a whole display, why not Bernie’s mittens?)
But the most difficult line of questioning (this coming from New York) concerns the whole matter of “where the wives are” here in Vermont. (I speak delicately now of that gate-keeping role some wives exercise in overseeing their husbands’ public appearances.) Of course no one knows for sure what role Mrs. Sanders played in Bernie’s choice of formal Inauguration Day attire. However here too I think is a real opportunity for Vermonters to flip the narrative: Ours is a state where men dress themselves! Not only do we have low Covid numbers, but moving here means fashion freedom as well. The men wear what the men want to wear! (That I can shop at the supermarket wearing my duct-taped denims alongside my uncomplaining wife on any given Saturday is a quality of life matter not to be underemphasized.)
Of course there are even those who would like to politicize these now-famous mittens. (We have already politicized masks, so this direction would only seem natural.) In one article entitled “The Meaning of the Mittens” writer Naomi Klein offers no shortage of analysis on the political overtones of Bernie wooly winter ware. Were we seeing, she wonders, some of that Bernie-esque anti-establishment in those homemade hand warmers? Maybe even some passive aggression in those gargantuan gauntlets that he never got the nomination? Recycled no-less, and ready to be thrown down like hockey gloves if climate change is not made a top priority!
Klein even explores the question if maybe Bernie was engaging in some not-so-subtle working-class populism like “publicly eating fried food you hate or wearing regular people clothing”. But here again, I think folks might be missing the point. There was nothing staged about Bernie’s wardrobe. The better question is why Bernie doesn’t give much thought for his wardrobe when on the stage.
But if out-of-staters really want those oddball mittens decoded it might have something to do with the fact that, here in Vermont, even our Civil Servants still have a penchant for practical clothes. From our Vermont perspective the real story was how underdressed that silly inauguration crowd really was. Is a wind chill of 33 degrees really a time for designer wear? Must Washington always be about form over function? Appearances over substance?!
Yessiree I see real momentum for my Smithsonian proposal. Let the placard remind folks that a steady hand on the tiller is a properly dressed hand! And maybe a mention or two about Common Sense while you’re at it.
